


I'm Too Sexy

by shittystorywriter



Category: South Park
Genre: Cartman's POV, Delusion, Fantasy, Harassment, M/M, Narcissism, Valentine's Day, Valentines, stupid
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-14
Updated: 2019-03-12
Packaged: 2019-10-27 19:19:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17772716
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shittystorywriter/pseuds/shittystorywriter
Summary: Cartman's totally non-delusional summary of Valentine's day and his romantic appeal to a particular Jew.





	1. Chapter 1

Today is Valentine's Day. As usual, I am single. And this is in no way a testament to my reputation or social status, cuz I'm pretty sure women are just intimidated by my hotness and charming personality. They probably think I'm out of their league, even if they won't admit it. Oh well. Less bitches, less problems!

I got a crappy little card from Butters, but the true highlight of my day was Kyle giving me a box of sweetheart candies. And no, it's _not_ because I have a crush on Kyle or anything like that. He gave them to all of his friends, and after seeing other people get candy, I wanted some damn candy too. So the excitement was from getting free candy, not from the fact that Kyle acknowledged me on Valentines day. Because he's a stupid Jew.

Although, I am nearly certain that he finds me attractive, and is going to go home and fantasize about me tonight. Kyle definitely has a boner for me, I can just tell. He's always insisting that he's not at all attracted to me, and that he doesn't appreciate me sending him random pics of my dick and balls, and that he might call the police and get a restraining order if I ever try to break into his bedroom at night again. He even told his friends that he thinks I might try to molest him. He's such a liar. It's obvious that he's the faggy weirdo who wants to molest me, not the other way around. He gives me this mean angry look all the time, that "I want to rape you" sort of look. I can't really blame him for being attracted to me though. I'm like a sexy beast and forbidden fruit. Besides, all Jews have homosexual tendencies, it runs in their blood. That's a scientific fact that I read about on the internet.

On my way home, I opened the box of sweethearts and pulled out a candy heart. "Kiss me" it read. Heh, like I would ever kiss Kyle. Dream on, fruitcake. I stopped in the convenience store, and bought myself some bags of candy and a heart shaped box of chocolates. If that makes me lame, then whatever. I do what I want! Just because I'm single and a dude, doesn't mean I can't enjoy some chocolate. Who decided this dumb rule that Valentines chocolate is for girls only? Or that you can't buy it for yourself? I _am_ pretty in love with myself, though, cuz I'm pretty damn awesome. So I deserve a box of chocolate.

I get home, and decide to take a bubble bath with some scented rose petal bath bombs. No homo, I just like the smell of roses and taking bubble baths and having smooth skin. I take my box of chocolates with me into the bathroom. I decide to light some scented candles around the bathtub too, and turn on a soft and relaxing George Michaels album.

I slip into the warm bath. Ahh, this is nice. I bet that fag Kyle really would get a boner if he saw me like this. Too bad for him, he's not here. I open up the box of chocolates and bite into one. I bet he would even get turned on by the idea of feeding me chocolates. What a weirdo. He would probably like that, the taste of melted chocolate on my tongue as he French kisses me. _Eww_. The thought of it makes me want to puke.

In Kyle's pansy fantasy, we'd probably be taking a bubble bath together, drinking a fine rosé from our champagne glasses, while lathering each other with pompom loofahs full of soap suds and giggling like girls.

He would stare deeply into my eyes, and tell me how he's always secretly wanted to suck my balls. Then he'd disappear under the bubbles and, you know. Yep, I'm sure that fairy would probably enjoy such a fantasy.

Unfortunately for him, I'm a masculine heterosexual. I mean, it's flattering to think about how badly he probably wants me, but I'm just not into that kind of crap. That one time I tried to get him to suck my balls was just a joke. I take a cloth and begin exfoliating my legs with some lavender sea salt scrub, as I humor myself further with thoughts of Kyle's ridiculous hypothetical fantasies about me.

So get this - after he's sucked my balls, we're in our dining room (yes, because we're married, and own a beach front condo in Miami - Kyle of course would have such a dream) We're wearing silk robes and drinking red wine now. We just got done cooking spaghetti, and start feeding it to each other on forks while giggling. Then we share a noodle "Lady and the Tramp" style, and our lips clash.

This is getting too sickening for me, so I mentally pause Kyle's fruity fantasy there. Fast forward 10 minutes, and we're on our balcony, with the sea breeze blowing through our hair, or some gay shit. I'm standing behind him with my arms wrapped around his waist. We look like Jack and Rose from The Titanic. He leans his head up and starts kissing my neck. Totally gross, I'm going to get a hickey and his nasty germs on me.

Alright. I think I've had enough indulgence in imagining what Kyle's faggy fetish for me and mental masturbatory material would look like. _Yuck_. I get out of the tub and dry off, also wrapping my head in a towel.

As I leave the bathroom, I think..ya know what? I may hate Kyle and his gay little crush on me, but since it's Valentine's Day, maybe I should throw him a bone (-r, heh heh.)

My mom got some roses from some random guy, so I grab a rose out of the vase. Then I grab my cell phone and bite the rose by it's stem, wink at the camera and take a selfie. I use a photo filter app to put a pink heart around the picture, and hit send to the Jew's number. I'm just doing his pathetic ass a favor cause I feel bad for him. Plus, it's amusing to see his reactions.

A few minutes later, he replies with multiple vomiting emoji faces. That really means that he liked the pic. I send a kissy face emoji back. I would also send him another picture snapped down my pants, but the last few times I did that he replied with messages like "Please stop" and "You are nasty" and "Seriously, this is sexual harassment and I'll block your number if you don't stop." Eventually, I went along with his little game and stopped sending dick pics. I know he secretly liked them though. He probably still has them saved on his phone. It's so funny how he plays this game where he doesn't have the hots for me. _Not_ that I want him to. He is just _sooo_ deep in denial. They say denial is a river in Egypt, well Kyle is drowning in it!

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As per request, I have attempted to write another chapter of this corny thing

So the next morning, I get to the bus stop early and see Kyle already waiting there. He's the first one there. I smile brightly and he sighs and looks away as I approach him, pretending to ignore my presence.

I throw an arm around his shoulder and squeeze him in. "Hey Kahl, did you dream about me last night?"

He grimaces and chucks my arm away from him. I keep my hands to myself, realizing that he's on his period today and I don't want to get him too fired up.

"More like had nightmares about you," he replies.

"Oh no, what was it about? Did I die and you were left heartbroken and lonely forever?" I respond in shock.

"I had a nightmare that your dumb face popped up on my phone. Oh wait, that was real," he replies with snark.

I roll my eyes. "Psh, you know you were excited to get that freebie. I should start charging you for my personal selfies and nudes!"

He pretends to gag. "Uhuh. Please send them to someone else."

He's so funny. I know he loved the pic I sent him last night. I looked totally hot and sexy in it. Just then Stan and Kenny show up. Stan looks all sulky and depressed.

"What's wrong, Stan?" Kyle asks in concern.

"Wendy," Stan replies miserably. I roll my eyes again.

"Oh god, here we go again," Kyle replies.

Stan just looks down at the ground, all mopey looking. "It's over."

Kyle goes over and pats Stan on the back in sympathy. "It's alright! Don't turn all goth again, she'll probably take you back soon. And even if she doesn't, there's plenty of other girls, you know."

"Yeah, like Kyle," I snicker. Kyle glares at me.

Stan just continues to stare at the grass. Kenny also pats him on the back in pity. Ugh, this is so pathetic.

"Ey, why don't you pussies go eat some ice cream and paint each others nails?" I snicker again, crossing my arms.

Kyle just gives me the middle finger. I grin smugly at him and shortly after, the bus arrives. I make sure to sit down next to Kyle, since I know he loves my company. He glares at me when I sit down. Again with those angry rapey eyes. Sheesh, he needs to keep it in his pants. I ignore his obvious sexual harassment and zip open my backpack, pulling out the remainder of my box of sweethearts candies.

I look at the first one. It's a green heart that says "cutie". The next one is an orange heart that says "hot stuff". Then it's a purple heart that says "be mine". I pour a few more of them into my mouth while looking out the window. "Thanks for the candy, Kyle, you're so sweet."

"Yeah, whatever," he replies, obviously still menstruating. His tampon is probably getting full and it must be super uncomfortable for him.

"I hope you know though, that giving me a cheap box of chalk flavored candy hearts doesn't mean I'll just go on a date with you and then let you fuck me afterwards," I clarify. I'm not a cheap whore, even if Kyle thinks I am.

His eyes look at me in mild amusement. "Believe me, I'm NOT expecting that."

I chuckle. "Sure you aren't. But you know what? I wouldn't mind going to the Olive Garden, if you insist! As long as you're paying."

"Hmm..I think I'll pass."

"Cheap ass Jew!"

He rolls his eyes and starts looking at his phone. I lean over to see what he's looking at. He jerks the phone away from my eyesight and looks at me, annoyed. "Mind your own business, fatass."

I lean back, deciding to give him his space. He's probably texting one of his friends for advice on how to deal with his huge crush on me. He seriously needs to get over it, because I've told him several times I am totally straight and not interested.

When we get to school, I'm in the hallways near Kyle and Kenny, when I see these two girls looking at us and saying something. I discretely try to move in closer just to hear what they're saying.

"Just ask him out! Kyle's pretty nice, he'll probably say yes!" the one girl says to other, grinning. The other girl looks nervous.

"Ask him if he wants to see a movie tonight. Come on, don't be a wimp!" she says. "OK, OK, I'll do it," replies the other chick, laughing anxiously. Her friend starts shoving her in the direction of Kyle and Kenny.

My jaw drops. When I see the girl looking in Kyle's direction and starting to walk towards him, I quickly beat her in a race to Kyle. I go right up to him and throw my arm around him.

"Hey babe! So we're still on for that date tonight, right? It's gonna be sweet. Kay, see ya later babe!" I loudly speak, not even giving Kyle a chance to respond. I blow a kiss at him before turning away. He looks at me with a "WTF?" expression. Kenny just looks amused. The girl has paused in her tracks, having witnessed our little exchange, and just smiles awkwardly at me before stepping aside, walking around us and avoiding Kyle. I see the other girl looking shocked and I smile to myself.

He can thank me some day for saving him from getting hit on by crazy bitches. This is not the first time I've prevented a girl from assualting him with unwanted advances. Some part of me just feels sorry for him. I know he's gay and it's awkward for him to have to turn girls down, so I saved him the trouble. Now he won't even have to know that some dumb bitch was about to annoy him. Psh, she wasn't even that pretty. Not that I care.

In my next class, which I unfortunately share with the Jew, I sit behind him and poke his neck with a pencil repeatedly, whenever the teacher isn't looking. Don't ask me why, it's just funny to see his reaction. He gets so annoyed by it. 

Eventually the teacher steps out of the room for a moment, and Kyle turns around to glare at me angrily. "Would you fucking stop it?!"

I look at him innocently. "Huh? What are you talking about?"

"Stop stabbing me with that fucking pencil or I'm going to kick your ass!"

"Woah, calm down Kyle. Besides, you'd rather lick my ass than kick it," I smirk. "I know you've got a crush on me and all."

"Knock it off with this fucking gay shit, already! It's getting pathetic. You're the one who has a crush on _me_!" he says, looking at me weirdly.

I raise an eyebrow. "Oh, yeah right! You're projecting, dude."

"No, _you_ are!" he yells.

"No, _you_!"

" _No_ , _you_!"

"Nuh uh!"

"Yes huh!"

I roll my eyes and turn to the people around us, some who appear to have been watching our heated argument. "Fine, let's just ask somebody else what they think. Guys, which one of us do you think is gay?" I look at Clyde first.

Clyde looks at me, then at Kyle before answering. "Both of you."

Kyle looks shocked. "Bullshit! Let's see what Kevin thinks."

Kevin shrugs. "I dunno, both of you guys seem to be flirting all the time."

Now, it's my turn to look shocked. "Oh my _god_ , I can't believe you guys would think that. Kyle is the one who keeps hitting on _me_ , but I told him 100 times I'm not gay."

"It's the other way around, fatass," Kyle says, rolling his eyes.

"You're so in denial, Kyle! Let's ask the girls, since they're more experts on faggy stuff. Annie, what is your professional opinion on the subject?"

Annie looks up from her assignment. "Huh? What's the subject again?"

"Which one of us seems gay, me or Kyle?"

She looks even more confused. "Um, I dunno. I thought both you guys were dating?"

Kyle slaps his fist on his desk. "For fucks sake, we are _not_ dating! Cartman is the one who spread that stupid rumor."

"Nuh uh!" I yell in defense.

"Well, I didn't hear any rumors, I just see you guys every day and you seemed like a couple to me. My bad," Annie explains, before going back to doing her assignment.

I look at her like she's literally insane. Sally is sitting next to Annie, giggling. "Good to know I'm not alone, I thought the same thing!" she says.

Oh my god. If two girls think we're a couple, it's likely that many more of them think so as well. Cuz girls seriously tend to lack original thoughts, and their opinions spread like viruses.

Personally, I don't care if everyone thinks Kyle and I are dating each other, since I'm a heterosexual who is totally secure in my masculinity and stuff. Unlike Kyle, who secretly dreams about making passionate love to me every night and is uncomfortable with people knowing that.

Finally, I turn to Timmy. Just for shits and giggles, let's see what he thinks. "Timmy, which one of us seems gayer, me or Kyle?"

Timmy taps his chin in deep thought for a moment. "Timmay!" he eventually replies.

"What does that mean?" Kyle asks.

Clyde, one of Timmy's best translators, speaks up. "He said you're both fruitier than a bowl of oranges."

Kyle groans and drops his head on his desk in annoyance. I can't resist poking him in the neck one more time for good measure.

 


End file.
